Best Jokes

Dentist: "Try to relax-I`ll pull your aching tooth in five minutes."

Patient: "How much will this cost?"

Dentist: "It`ll be $100."

Patient: "That much for just five minutes work?"

Dentist: "Well if you prefer, I can pull it out very slowly."

---

He gets a bit carried away and talks for two hours.
Finally, he realizes what he is doing and says:
"I`m sorry I talked so long. I left my watch at home."

A voice from the back of the room says,
"There`s a calendar behind you."

---

Late one Saturday evening, I was awakened by the ringing of my phone. In a sleepy, grumpy voice, I said, "Hello." The party on the other end of the line paused for a moment before rushing breathlessly into a lengthy speech.

"Mom, this is Susan and I'm sorry I woke you up, but I had to call because I'm going to be a little late getting home. See, Dad's car has a flat but it's not my fault. Honest! I don't know what happened. The tire just went flat while we were inside the theater. Please don't be mad, okay?"

Since I don't have any daughters, I knew the person had misdialed. "I'm sorry, dear, "I replied, "but I have to tell you you've reached the wrong number. I don't have a daughter named Susan. In fact, I don't have any daughter at all."

A pause.

"Gosh, Mom," came the young woman's quavering voice, "I didn't think you'd be this mad."

 

 

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb ... and I also know that I'm not blonde.
-Dolly Parton-

You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy.
-Erica Jong-

I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours.
-Rita Rudner-

My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.
-Rita Rudner-

I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog.
-Wendy Liebman-

Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.
-Erma Bombeck-

If high heels were so wonderful, men would still be wearing them.
-Sue Grafton-

I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on.
-Roseanne Barr-

I think, therefore I'm single.
-Lizz Winstead-

When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country.
-Elayne Boosler-

Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.
-Maryon Pearson-

I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn't itch.
-Gilda Radner-

In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you want anything done, ask a woman.
-Margaret Thatcher-

I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage (or parenthood) and a career.
-Gloria Steinhem-

Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry.
- Gloria Steinhem-

I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which growls every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home late at night.
-Marie Corelli-

Nagging is the repetition of unpalatable truths.
-Baroness Edith Summerskill-

If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck?
-Linda Ellerbee-

I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house.
-Zsa Zsa Gabor-