Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible? A. Noah: he was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation. Q. Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible? A. Pharaoh's daughter: she went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet. Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he got married? A. Ruth-less. Q. Who was the first drug addict in the Bible? A. Nebuchadnezzar: he was on grass for seven years. Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible? A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury. David's Triumph was heard throughout the land. Honda... because the apostles were all in one Accord. 2 Cor. 4:8 describes going out in service in a Volkswagen Beetle: "We are pressed in every way, but not cramped beyond movement." Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible? A. Samson: he brought the house down. Q. Where is the first baseball game in the Bible? A. In the big inning. Eve stole first, Adam stole second. Cain struck out Abel. The Giants and the Angels were rained out. Q. How did Adam and Eve feel when expelled from the Garden of Eden? A. They were really put out. Q. What is one of the first things that Adam and Eve did after they were kicked out? A. They really raised Cain. Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden? A. Your mother ate us out of house and home. Q. The ark was built in 3 stories, and the top story had a window to let light in, but how did they get light to the bottom 2 stories? A. They used floodlights. Q. Who is the greatest baby-sitter mentioned in the Bible? A. David: he rocked Goliath to sleep. Q. Why was Goliath so surprised when David hit him with a slingshot? A. The thought had never entered his head before. Q. If Goliath is resurrected, would you like to tell him the joke about David and Goliath? A. No, he already fell for it once. Q. What do they call pastors in Germany? A. German Shepherds. Q. What is the best way to get to Paradise? A. Turn right and go straight. Q. Which servant of Jehovah was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible? A. Moses, because he broke all 10 commandments at once. Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy? A. The area around the Jordan: the banks were always overflowing. Q. How do we know that Job went to a chiropractor? A. Because in Job 16:12, 14, 16 we read, "I had come to be at ease, but he proceeded to shake me up: and he grabbed me by the back of the neck and proceeded to smash me." Q. Where is the first tennis match mentioned in the Bible? A. When Joseph served in Pharaoh's court. Q. Which bible character had no parents? A. Joshua, son of Nun. Q. Why didn't Noah go fishing? A. He only had two worms! Q. How do we know that they played cards in the ark? A. Because Noah sat on the deck
Airhead (er*hed) n. What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.
Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n. A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't realized it yet.
Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n. You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but, he, "made the dinner".
Blonde jokes (blond joks) n. Jokes that are short so men can understand them.
Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n. An appliance designed to eat socks.
Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n. A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a pound of M&M chocolate covered peanuts.
Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n. The last two minutes of a football game.
Exercise (ex*er*siz) v. To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.
Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n. Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See also "Magician".
Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n. Similar to a black hole in space...if he goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon.
Childbirth (child*brth) n. You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say, "Focus... breath... push... Good Girl!"
Park (park) v./n. Before children, a verb meaning, "to go somewhere romantic". After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.
Patience (pa*shens) n. The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also "tranquilizers."
Valentine's Day (val*en*tinez dae) n. A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card.
Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n. Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.
Zillion (zil*yen) n. The number of times you ask someone male to take out the trash, then end up doing it yourself anyway.