One - Liners

• For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
• Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
• Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!
• I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
• Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!
• Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
• I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week!
• I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
• If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough!
• Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States
• Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of
• Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.
• When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
• Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
• When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
• What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
• Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
• Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
• OK, so what's the speed of dark?
• Black holes are where God divided by zero.
• I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
• What's another word for "thesaurus"?
• When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask if I'm leaving.
• When I was a kid, we had a quicksand box in the backyard. I was an only child... eventually.
• I have a switch in my apartment that doesn't do anything. Every once in awhile I turn it on and off. One day I got a call from a woman in France who said, "Cut it out!"
• I replaced the headlights on my car with strobe lights. Now it looks like I'm the only one moving.
• I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly) ...and says, "Here, you can go."
• I went to a general store, but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.
• I put instant coffee in a microwave and almost went back in time.

Why I can't come to work today

1. If it is all the same to you I won't be coming in to work. The voices told me to clean all the guns today.
2. When I got up this morning I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my Prozac. can't get off the john, but I feel good about it.
3. I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back an hour Saturday and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion). I was able to exit the loop only by reversing the polarity of the power source exactly e*log (pi) clocks in the house while simultaneously rapping my dog on the snout with a rolled up Times. Accordingly, I will be in late, or early.
4. My stigmata's acting up.
5. I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?
6. I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet...
7. I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Food Giant.
8. Yes, I seem to have contracted some sort of attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them Skins, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.
9. Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.
10. I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.
11. The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled.
12. The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.
13. I prefer to remain an enigma.
14. My mother-in-law has come back as one of the Undead and we must track her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace. One day should do it.
15. I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined that my house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for helicopter transportation.
16. I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.
17. I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates.
18. I refuse to travel to my job in the District until there is a commuter tax. I insist on paying my fair share.

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