What the kids' say

School teachers keep journals of amusing things their students have written in papers. Here are a few examples:

The future of "I give" is "I take."

The parts of speech are lungs and air.

The inhabitants of Moscow are called Mosquitoes.

A census taker is man who goes from house to house increasing the population.

(Define H2O and CO2.) H2O is hot water and CO2 is cold water.

A virgin forest is a forest where the hand of man has never set foot.

The general direction of the Alps is straight up.

A city purifies its water supply by filtering the water then forcing it through an aviator.

Most of the houses in France are made of plaster of Paris.

The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 opossums.

The spinal column is a long bunch of bones. The head sits on the top and you sit on the bottom.

We do not raise silk worms in the United States, because we get our silk from rayon. He is a larger worm and gives more silk.

One of the main causes of dust is janitors.

A scout obeys all to whom obedience is due and respects all duly constipated authorities.

One by-product of raising cattle is calves.

To prevent head colds, use an agonizer to spray into the nose until it drips into the throat.

The four seasons are salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

The climate is hottest next to the Creator.

Oliver Cromwell had a large red nose, but under it were deeply religious feelings.

The word trousers is an uncommon noun because it is singular at the top and plural at the bottom.

Syntax is all the money collected at the church from sinners.

The blood circulates through the body by flowing down one leg and up the other.

In spring, the salmon swim upstream to spoon.

Iron was discovered because someone smelt it.

In the middle of the 18th century, all the morons moved to Utah.

Been online too long?

Tech Support calls "YOU" for help. 

When you are reading something printed, you wish you 
could use a search function to get to the point. 

Someone at work tells you a joke and you say "LOL." 

When you reply to someone verbally, your fingers start 
typing your response.

You check your e-mail over and over, even when 
you know there's nothing there.

You watch TV with the closed captioning turned on. 

You have called out someone's screen name while 
making love to your significant other. 

You keep begging your friends to get an account so 
"we can hang out." 

Three words: Carpal Tunnel Syndrome. 

You've even gotten on an airplane just to meet 
"sweet_girl" face-to-face. 

You have a vanity car tag with your screen name on it. 

You have to get a 2nd phone line just so you 
can call Pizza Hut. 

You no longer type with proper capitalization, 
punctuation, or complete sentences.

You have met over 100 onliners.

You begin to say "heh heh heh" instead of laughing.

When someone says "What did you say?" you reply 
    "Scroll up!" 

You find yourself sneaking away to the puter in the 
night when your spouse is asleep. 

You turn down the lights and close the blinds so 
people won't know you're online again. 

You know more about online friends' daily routines 
than you do your own spouse's.

You find yourself lying to others about your time 
online and when they complain that your phone was 
busy you claim it was off the hook. 

You have an identity crisis if someone is using a 
screen name close to your own.

You would rather tell people that your bloodshot 
eyes are from partying too much than the truth.

You change your screen name so much that you have 
to do a who is to know who you are.

You type messages to people while you are on the 
phone with them at the same time. 

You won't work at a job that doesn't 
have a modem involved.

Your dog leaves you. 

You bring a bag lunch and a cooler to the computer.

You type faster than you can think. 

You can actually read and follow all the names 
of the cast that scrolls up your TV screen at 
the end of a movie. 

You don't want to leave in case you miss something. 

You set your kitchen on fire while cooking dinner 
because you wanted to check your mail and while 
there you "just wanted to see who was online."

          L    O    L

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